Sweatpants Paradise
$15.95
Sweatpants Paradise: a new book of weird “poems?” by Kyle Flak
LIST OF POEM TITLES FROM SWEATPANTS PARADISE:
*MY VERSION OF AWESOME KARATE IS JUST EATING POPCORN ALONE IN A SEWER WITH MY DAD’S OLD CATCHER’S MITT FOR A BOWL
*VARIOUS FAMOUS HALF CONSUMED THROAT LOZENGES GLOWING WEIRDLY IN A SMELLY OLD COLLECTING JAR
*I AM STILL VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER LOW QUALITY MUSTARDS YOU MIGHT HAPPEN TO HAVE LYING AROUND THE PET SHOP BREAK ROOM TODAY
*LIKE MOST PEOPLE, I TOO WISH THAT I HAD BEEN ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN THE MOIST TOWELETTE INDUSTRY MAYBE THIRTY OR FORTY YEARS AGO LIKE MY DAD’S OLD FRIEND FROM TULSA WHO NOW WEARS EXERCISE CLOTHES TO SHOP FOR MICROWAVEABLE POPCORN
*SWANS ARE NOT REALLY THAT ROMANTIC AND ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY STOLE MY BROTHER’S MINT CONDITION MILLI VANILLI CASSETTE TAPE FOR SOME REASON
*SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE GLOVE COMPARTMENT
*BILL’S TWILL PANTS
*GO ON, PET MY SAD KIWI’S FINE BROWN HAIR LIKE IT’S GOT SOMETHING NEW TO TEACH YOU ABOUT HOW TO WIN FIVE NEW BOWLING TROPHIES WITHOUT REALLY TRYING
*RETURN TO THE ESCAPE FROM THE HAUNTED CITY OF FRIGHT AND DOOM COMES BACK!
*THE TROUBLING CASE OF JOHN CUSACK AND THE GHOST PIE
*YOU COLLECT BLAND PLACE MATS FROM VARIOUS BORING LOCATIONS
*TRY TRADING A BEAVER PELT FOR A SUPER BIG GULP MOUNTAIN DEW SLURPIE AT 7-ELEVEN, YEAH, JUST TRY IT
*WAFFLES
*A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BUTT POEM
*MAN IN THE MIRROR
*ESSAY ON WALT WHITMAN
*I’M THE WORST GUITAR PLAYER EVER
*BIOGRAPHY OF A LOST CAUSE
*DON’T ASK YOUR MOM TO PROM
*IT’S AN EVIL MILLIONAIRE’S CHEST HAIR YOU’RE TRYING TO DESCRIBE WITH YOUR SILENT FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT
*DAD
*NORMAL STUPID MOON
*ACTUALLY I ENJOY WEARING SWEATPANTS MORE THAN I ENJOY FALLING IN LOVE
*MY PET BABY STARFISH IS GNARLIER THAN THE SONG CALLED “WIPEOUT” (KIND OF)
*HOW TO BE MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER
*IT IS DEFINITELY GOOD FUN TO PUT ON A WEIRD SMOCK AND PRETEND TO BE A WISE OLD SEA CAPTAIN BUT I BET THAT ACTUAL SEA CAPTAINS HAVE TO ENDURE SOME PRETTY TERRIBLE STUFF
*THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY ZERO ASTONISHING FACTS ABOUT RIBOFLAVIN OR OTHER B VITAMINS IN THIS POEM
_____________________________________________
SAMPLE POEM:
MY VERSION OF AWESOME KARATE IS JUST EATING
POPCORN ALONE IN A SEWER WITH MY DAD’S
OLD CATCHER’S MITT FOR A BOWL
i think that this summer
will be really really really
something to write home about.
maybe i’ll wear some purple sweatpants or win a can of baked beans
for guessing correctly
about just how miserable i am.
sometimes i look at my wife’s new idea
about how to sell life insurance
to dead turtles and think
“okay i get it. we’re not a real couple.
so let’s just divide up our lawn full of dandelions civilly
like a herd of muskrats would.”
actually, we’ve never met.
actually, she’s just someone i saw on a mayonnaise commercial
when i was trimming my toenails, so i said
“okay, we’re married now.”
then i fell asleep on my little bean bag chair from fourth grade
and don’t remember what all happened after that, so
probably i am dying from many horrible things right now
like: enthusiasm for yo-yos, pajama deficiency, hot air balloon drama,
and goat envy.
i might wanna look all that up
on the speed stick deodorant website later on
to see if there’s a kind of deodorant that can cure me.
but also, i’m allergic to all good things.
that is, i’ve never had quote “a good thing goin'” unquote.
i don’t drive convertibles down to the beach
and lick ice cream cones mischievously
while suggestively petting my own moustache.
actually this is a love poem
for a very tiny stapler i once met.
one of those little tiny baby staplers.
the kind that always get lost in backpacks
or just thrown out
on the last day of school.
“who needs this?”
“oh! me! me! me!”
“okay, in the trash with you!”
and then it’s all over:
this poem, other poems, romance,
maybe life itself
_____________________________________________
AUTHOR BIO
The Cover Artist: LK James (author of The Full House and The Empty House)
