I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE

$15.95

Kyle Flak was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan in 1983. His previous things of poetry include: What Hank Said on the Bus (Publishing Genius, 2013) (Winner of the Chris Toll Prize), The Secret Admirer (Adastra Press, 2010), and Harmonica Days (New Sins Press, 2009). In 2013 he was a finalist for a Ruth Lilly Poetry Fellowship from The Poetry Foundation. In 2015, he was chosen as a “Poet to Notice” by Grandma Moses Press. His writing has appeared in numerous magazines and anthologies. He studied at the MFA Program for Poets and Writers at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

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flak-cover-final-pngPOLITE INTRODUCTION BY KYLE FLAK’S SECRET GHOST WRITER, KYLE FLAK

I don’t know if this thing actually matters.

I am not even a smart guy or anything.

I don’t know anything about trees or mathematics.

You might be better off just going on a road trip

with your friends

where you laugh

and

eat super buttery toast

at one of those beautiful old timey diners

that make you feel like

you are the special someone

who has just become

the new Garrison Keillor,

but then you talk

and, no, your voice is still your own,

so, no, you did not actually

just turn into Garrison Keillor;

you are only at an awesome diner

as a fresh cool alternative to

actually reading Kyle Flak’s new book

and who the hell is Kyle Flak anyway,

some kind of descendent of Polish meat market owners

who has earned a living from packaging toothbrushes

at some point during his life?

Yes.

You’re exactly right.

That is exactly who he is.

And I have to admit

that even to write this stupid introduction thing

is actually very hard work for me.

I have to admit

that even to get an “F” on Larry Bergman’s eighth grade

science homework was very hard work for me.

So, I’m sorry if this book

turns out to be really terrible

and can’t fix the toilet in your summer home, grandma.

I’m sorry that I am just a regular guy

who wrote this for fun one weekend

when there were no Hanging with Mister Cooper reruns on.

Pretty much everyone I know

from school

wishes that they could just be Pa Ingalls

from Little House on the Prairie

without all the hard

work, pain, and suffering because, yeah, he was so cool!

But as for me, I am just Kyle Flak.

I love spaghetti, cartoons, and long walks alone in

various dark and creepy abandoned warehouse

type of buildings.

Oh, yeah, and also:

please buy lots of copies of this ordinary book to share with your wonderful friends and

family members!

I swear that it is a unique document,

just like Choose Your Own Adventure book #112, Skateboard Champion,

which was my favorite book for all of grade school

at Immaculate Heart of Mary catholic school.

My second favorite book was A Few Minutes

with Andy Rooney by Andy Rooney.

I wrote “Clem Smith” in the dust jacket of

my copy because I wanted my name to be Clem Smith.

Speaking strictly as an uninvolved third party,

my poems might be valuable to someone

someday because they might

save the human race

from everything

that threatens humanity,

even if they are

just completely terrible.

A poem only says, “I have feelings. Please remember

that everybody else has feelings, too. The end.”

I know that this poem is not perfect, but neither is Wade Boggs, and he is still cool.

Also, here, one wants to thank Anthony Guerriero

for being a really nice person who used to give new middle names to everyone.

Also, here, one wants to mention that I wish I had written a three hundred page

introduction to put on a zero page book.

I also wish that Piers Anthony mostly wrote

“author notes.”

I also wish that Stephen King mostly wrote “On Writing” books.

My favorite animal is the moose.

My favorite color is called “sonic blue”

or maybe actually I like the one called “Daphne

blue” better, but I can’t really remember

so let’s just say that I like 1950’s shades of blue–

the kind of blues

that look like May skies before May proms

in small Midwestern towns where everybody’s

nice and mostly just wants to rake leaves for grandma,

and it doesn’t even matter which grandma

they rake leaves for

cause they’ve always got a rake in their

car ready to go

and every grandma they pass in their car

will always be kind enough

to alert them if there are ever any leaves around

that need to be raked up.

Yup.

That’s the kind of blue I mean.

So, now we can begin.

We haven’t really begun yet.

This is just an introduction or something.

I have probably already failed or something.

But who cares?

I am only one man.

And I have already broken

most of the things that I know how to break.



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